What if we gave babies dentures?
This is one we’ve been meaning to talk about. Everyone can agree that for the first three years of their lives, babies are essentially useless. Fleshy poop makers, this is actually no fault of their own, but our fault as a society.
Babies probably have the jaw strength to chew food from birth, but without teeth, they must resort to milk, formula, and puréed peas. Why?
While the technology for baby dentures is there, sadly we’ve been wasting dental care on the aged and sugar-craving addicts. Babies are sadly forgotten, waiting close to two years before having the pleasure of tearing into a rib-eye steak.
Not only would dentures for babies grant the little ones the basic enjoyment of peanut brittle and candy apples just to name a few, we’re confident that by using those dentures, the infant jawline and thus vocal cords would be more regularly exercised and strengthened.
Say goodbye to those lame videos of sign-languaging babies. Say hello to a new generation of adorable chomping toddlers who can also speak, probably.
Again, we’ve never tried it out, but it seems like there should at least be a study done to confirm it.
Babies get dentures—>babies eat regular foods—>babies brains get more varied nutrients—>babies brains get smarter—>babies speak sooner—>good results.
We know what you’re thinking—won’t this hurt the baby-food economy? Yes, but the pea-puréeing factories are easily converted into teeth-production plants with a simple recalibration of machinery. Plus, the environment’s quality would improve drastically due to all the saved paper from restaurants not printing so many kids’ menus all the damn time. The ink business would take a hit, but it seems a small price to pay to let your baby not dribble peas down its chin with 0 integrity all day, right?
Later,
Stephen G. Erickson, Co-Founder & Part-Time Intern
