I have 6 bottle openers on my keyring, but I’ve never used a single one of them.
Why are they there, then?
Obviously, because I put them there. But, if I’m not using them, what’s their real purpose?
I’m going to attribute their presence on my keyring to capitalism, and here’s why:
I’ve never once used them, so they aren’t serving a utilitarian purpose. I supposed their existence could be explained by utilitarianism given different circumstances, but I’m speaking strictly in terms of my situation. Therefore, in my situation, they aren’t serving any real purpose or bringing any real value to the table. You could make the argument that they’re serving to decorate, but I think we can dig a little deeper to dispute that. Why would I decorate my keyring? If it’s for the sake of others, then their purpose is serving to impress, which is rooted in our innate desire as a species to produce offspring (don’t bother questioning this—I explained my logic in The Daily Clot on February 10th, 2019). If it’s for my own sake, what value is it bringing to me? It doesn’t bring any sense of fulfillment to my life (though I wouldn’t protest if it did), so what is its purpose?
Its only purpose, in my situation specifically, is to EXIST. It’s STUFF. That’s it. Sometimes, we just want MORE, even if that “more” provides no actual value to our lives.
And that, right there, is exactly why capitalism is directly to blame for my keys’ weighing my pockets down.
Until next time,
Michael J. Erickson, CEO & Co-Founder
