I am, without a doubt, the most passive-aggressive driver I know.
I definitely am one of the safest drivers I know, but I am also very passive-aggressive (note my linguistic precision—not “aggressive,” but “passive-aggressive”).
When you live in the New York metro area, you tend to hit bumper-to-bumper traffic when driving through the city. In this bumper-to-bumper traffic, it’s not uncommon to play “chicken” with the cars next to you, at a glacial pace, that is.
You aren’t moving quickly—probably less than a mile per hour—but the game of chicken still exists. When multiple lanes converge into a single lane at such extremely slow speeds, cars are just inches apart at times. Near-side-swipes are super common. All drivers become aggressive, riding very closely to the car in front of them so nobody can cut in.
That strategy might work most of the time, but unfortunately, not when I’m on the road.
The key is to drive the worst car on the road.
If you drive the worst car on the road, you have nothing to lose. Who’s going to win in a game of slow-paced “chicken?” A 1994 Ford Taurus, or a 2019 Aston Martin? The Taurus, obviously.
Now that you have an awful car, you want to find ways to bring the value down even more, almost to the point of looking insane. You don’t want the car to be worth anything.
If the car was worth $200 initially (and that’s generous), replace the doors with doors of a different color to bring the value down to $100. Maybe break the glass windows to bring it down to $50. Spray-paint some graffiti on it to bring the value way down to $0. If you’re feeling really crazy, put a bumper sticker on the back that reads, “my child is an honor student at _____.” This will bring the car past the point of simply worthless and into the coveted area of “negative value.” People will literally pay you money just to destroy your car.
Next step—OWN the fact that your car is total sh*t. Drive with the (smashed) windows down and blast trashy, low-life music (“Cake” is awful; so is “Justin Timberlake” and “David Bowie).
Instantly, other cars will fear you, ESPECIALLY at slow rates of speed.
Next step—follow the car in front of you VERY closely. You’re traveling at less than a mile an hour, but it can still be a difficult step if you underestimate it.
Now, cars WILL try to slowly veer into your lane to cut you off. Fear not! Your car is worse than theirs! Rather than holding steady to your course, which would result in you losing the interchange, maintain the same distance between you and the car in front of you, but actually start to angle yourself back into the car next to you. The key to this is to predict their moves before they even make them. If the front of their car, at any time, gets in front of yours, YOU LOSE and IT’S OVER. All you need is to be an inch in front of them and you win. They will, 100% of the time, back off, allowing you the upper-hand.
You see—I never lose in traffic. Ever.
Until next time,
Michael J. Erickson, CEO & Co-Founder
