I got 3 new pairs of pants today.
For the longest time, I only had 2 pairs of pants—jeans.
I busted the crotch out of the one pair playing frisbee. Then, a week later, I busted the crotch out of the other pair, also while playing frisbee, somewhat ironically.
I’m not sure why I keep choosing to play frisbee in jeans, and I’m also not sure why the crotch keeps busting out of my jeans during frisbee, but these kinds of questions have no real bearing on my day-to-day, so why bother asking them?
Regardless, I’ve been rocking the same pair of pants, the one with the smaller crotch-bust of the 2 pairs, for the last 3 weeks, and keep in mind that it was crotchless, so I had to keep my legs crossed at all times to avoid public indecency.
You see, this may sound pretty easy, but it’s very challenging.
I’m a tall guy, you know? I’m a big dude. I have daddy long legs. Being a man with daddy long legs, I have to stretch my daddy long legs, lest I get leg cramps (Charlie’s Horses). The inability to stretch my legs (because doing so would result in immediate placement on the national sex-offender list) has caused incredible pain for me these past 3 weeks.
Having only 1 pair of pants, I haven’t been able to wash them as often as I should, due to the fact that I would have no other pants to wear during the wash.
Today, I got a little crazy, so I bought 3 new pairs of pants.
Never, in all my years, have I been so excited to wear pants. I asked the woman change-room assistant, “please, can I just wear these out of the store and pay at the counter?” She declined, saying, “you need to wear your own clothes until you leave the premises, sir.”
Ah—the anticipation made me giddy with excitement. The pants were playing hard to get! I had to have them.
“Excuse me—I need you to ring these pants up, right now. I said RIGHT NOW.”
I made faster time driving home than ever before.
I fell through the front door as I was yanking my ripped pants off. I pulled on my new pants, arguably speedier than a little person gets his pants on, and that’s saying something. I mean, little people can get their pants on, like, really quickly, I would imagine. I mean, they have smaller legs than WEE do (sorry, I knew there was a pun opportunity and I had to seize it).
No more chilly breeze airing out my crotch.
No more accidentally flashing strangers.
I could finally man-spread on the train again, without feeling guilty!
I can’t wait to try on my other 2 pairs, too.
I might wear all 3 pairs simultaneously, just because I can.
Until next time,
Michael J. Erickson, CEO & Co-Founder
