Today is a big day.
Today is the day I try to buy a sword from a strange man I met on the internet.
Here’s the thing: we’re going to meet outside Dunkin Donuts.
The way I see it, the possible negatives that can stem from trying to buy a sword outside Dunkin Donuts significantly outweigh the positive aspects.
I mean, how often do you see two dudes wielding a sword outside your favorite coffee joint in the middle of the night? Probably not often, unless you live in some weird time warp where Dunkin’ Donuts exists in medieval times. But no—the gladiators never chowed down on munchkins before a big gladiator match or celebrate with frozen hot chocolates after a victory.
Anybody with half a brain would assume that there’s about a 90% chance that this transaction will go according to plan, but also a 10% chance that the transaction will result in my being held up by a man wielding a sword who is hoping to take my life, along with my $30.
For this reason, I’m going to be armed at the sword-deal, though not with your traditional weapon. I plan to sneak into the Dunkin immediately prior to the deal to buy a tray of 4 large black coffees. I’ll also request that they don’t put tops on them. Then, if the man tries to stab me or decapitate me, I’ll throw the coffees at him and run back into Dunkin, where I’ll lock the door and alert law-enforcement of a sword-armed attempted robbery.
Ideally, everything will go fine. But if it all hits the fan, I’ll have my 4 hot coffees on standby.
But Mike, why are you buying a sword from a strange man you met on the internet?
48 hours ago, I had no idea I’d be buying a sword from a strange man I met on the internet. But 47 hours ago, I got a message from a number 2 towns over. It read, “Hey man, where are we meeting?”
Having no idea what the context was behind this text from an unrecognized number, I decided to wear the skin of the intended recipient in order to find out more. I responded with, “remind me who you are again…”
The number came back seconds later: “it’s James. I’m selling you the sword.”
Boom. Just like that, I was caught up. I’m buying a sword from a stranger I met on the internet. Clearly, James has never met me, because he has the wrong number.
I responded, “let’s meet at Dunkin. I’ll have the $30 in a briefcase for you.”
A few minutes of radio silence, followed by, “…but we agreed on $40. Also, no briefcase necessary.”
Nope, I wasn’t having it.
“$30 or no deal. And no, the briefcase absolutely IS necessary”
“Seriously? Whatever—fine.”
There you go. Just like that, I had just bartered for a sword that I’ve never seen before, from somebody I’ve never met—a person who thinks I’m somebody else entirely.
Fast-forward 47 hours.
I sit in Panera Bread, eagerly awaiting the 9 PM alarm I’ve set on my phone, which will alert me that the deal is about to go down.
If no Daily Clot is posted tomorrow, I’ve been killed outside Dunkin Donuts. The man with the sword did it.
Until next time,
Michael J. Erickson, CEO & Co-Founder
