If there’s one item that the media won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, it’s alien abduction reaction plans. While Bloodclot Films’ top priorities will always be content and pleasing our audience, we have a duty to address daily concerns, specifically potential alien life forms.
To give some context: our first week on the lease in our new office space, we discovered incubi. Not one “incubus,” but incubi—yes, that’s the plural. I googled the best aspects of new startup companies to give our humble company the best possible chance of success, and it took until the 15th page of Google to find an article where evil sex demons even made the list, and even then, it was #9.
Fr. Clint arrived today with our ping pong table (item #6 on Buzzfeed’s list of startup must-haves) and ordered up a proper blessing. Halfway into his prayers, he gave pause. . . Fr. Clint, an experienced exorcist, told us our office space was not possessed.
I told him about the occurrences—the horrible, horrible visits from Damien and his legion of Black Death. “Our employees are terrified of sitting in their cubicles, Father.”
Father Clint advised that there was nothing supernatural present, though he tried to appease us with a sprinkle of holy water. He told us to consider all other possibilities—perhaps our employees’ imaginations have run rampant, or maybe they want to pull a prank for whatever reason. I told Father Clint about our competitive benefits. Our employees would have no reason to turn on us with such exaggerated hyperbolic stories. I then thought of the obvious explanation—
Alien life forms.
After much research, I found that aliens are capable of most of what is accomplished by incubi, and much more. Alien presence would explain the uncomfortable vibe in the office, the feeling of constantly being watched, and the general terror pervading the space. Telekinesis is common among most species (the greys). It’s more than likely that one or more greys convinced us telepathically that incubi were our primary nuisance…nice try, greys.
I felt like I’d wasted time with Fr. Clint and his blessings, on account of the answer has been under my nose this whole time. Still, I’ve added notes to my agenda with instructions to hire a full-time rabbi, priest, and shaman to put our employees at ease. But the real issue needs attention: alien defense, which brings me back to my main point.
The news doesn’t mention aliens. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a headline about any UFOs in the major presses within the last five years. The networks must have an in with the aliens, agreeing to not publicize their presence. It makes me wonder—just what do the aliens have in store for us, and what have the networks given in exchange for immunity?
I want to somehow let your Average Joe citizen know to be skeptical, but I couldn’t break this news to a reporter. Who knows what team they’re really playing for? For now, I’m deciding to forgo writing and editing so I can dedicate myself entirely to Bloodclot Films’ newest addition—our Alien Defense Task Force. Content will need to be postponed until I have reason to believe that the plague upon our office and company is neutralized.
Later,
Stephen G. Erickson, Co-Founder & Part-Time Intern
