Putting rice in a tortilla is like painting over a blue wall with more blue paint.
The man that invented the drum was definitely despised by his entire neighborhood.
It’s a tongue, damn it.
Shame on your son.
I wonder if anybody getting divorced has ever married their divorce lawyer.
This is the second time this has happened now.
We really went backwards when we started making matches not strike-anywhere.
You know what’s weird?
Why can’t we ever accidentally bump into people that we’d actually like to see?
Why do we say that when stars explode when they “die?”
Whoever invented the hotdog was a real pervert.
Helmets are for fallers.
WHY do you need to know where your ancestors are from?
Alligators and crocodiles are the same exact thing.
Why can’t cats breed with dogs?
I started carrying around a coffee cup filled with water all of the time.
Planes don’t need seatbelts.
It’d take just under 2 years to drive to the moon.
Why is my MetroCard made of PAPER?
Sweatshirts need more pockets.
Why does green mean “go” and red mean “stop?”
I bet optometrists get most of their business from cartoon pirates.
You know, I’ve never been asked by an adult man to play blocks before.
My shoes are turning white from the salted streets.
Who decided the light switch up and down was a good idea?
The first person to ice-skate was probably feared by many.
The train platform reeks of sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches.
I started wearing a watch.
Why didn’t we make all the letters in the English language symmetrical?
The most embarrassing mistake one can make is accidentally “bless-you-ing” on a cough instead of a sneeze.
How did “shhhh” become a thing?
I just saw 2 old friends run into each other on the train.
January is a pretty bad month.
Why do we have stylish shoes and sneakers?
I miss you, Bob Einstein.
We’re in it now, that’s for sure.
We’re getting down to the wire here. 2019 is just about over.
Who invented the zipper?
What do waterproof matches do?
How many pairs of pants is a normal number?
We’re in that weird, awkward stage between Christmas and New Year’s.
Well, the fat man didn’t quite make it inside my house yesterday.
I write to all of you at 12:05 AM, just 5 minutes into Christmas Day.
Many of the first human-made instruments used dried up animal intestines for the strings.
Every color you’ve ever seen exists somewhere in nature.
How did we invent fire?
Masterminds are always on the extreme ends of societal morality, but never in the middle.
I wish I was immune to everything.
Newsflash: I don’t care.
“Broken.”
Everybody’s heard of Alanis Morissette, but nobody knows who she really is.
What the hell are The Balkans, anyway?
The world’s oldest rhino will die on December 29th of this year.
Why don’t all showers have high-pressure valves?
Why do we have so many different types of soap for the body?
When did we decide to befriend dogs?
I don’t get why people are so terrified of avalanches.
You know those cargo shorts belt things?
The Coffee Queen at Burger King has, by some stretch of the imagination, stepped up her game YET AGAIN.
What ever happened to privacy?
I’m never going to travel to the Great Pyramid of Giza.
Today, I sipped really hot coffee.
The Coffee Queen at Burger King has officially stepped up her game.
I cannot express how worth-it fountain pens are.
Why do old people’s hand-skin become transparent?
OCCUPANCY BY MORE THAN ____ PERSONS IS DANGEROUS AND UNLAWFUL.
December has some of the shortest days of the year.
We should just eliminate February altogether.
“Cyber Monday?” Now, that name makes sense.
Let’s cut to the chase—turkey sucks.
What came first, shoes or socks?
I think it’s time that I acknowledge something I’ve been feeling for a really long time.
Now, THAT’S customer service.
I wonder if the nationwide turkey slaughter is nearing an end by now.
I really need to start forcing myself to make eye contact with people more.
Is it possible that I’m in the midst of yet another growth spurt?
Why were Greeks so obsessed with mythology?
I don’t get the whole “tuck in your chair after you stand up” rule.
Why do people wait for the light to walk across the intersection?
Send a text, send an email, or shut the hell up…
STEP TO THE SIDE.
Do accents/varying dialects apply to sign language?
When did we decide that taxis should be yellow?
Well, a grown woman is wearing cat ears on the train.
They say not to cry over spilt milk…
Michael B. Jordan just watched me play Tetris on the subway.
There’s…what? Like 5 ones in today’s date?
What if all clocks on Earth suddenly fell to the ground and shattered?
I truly lack the energy to write a Daily Clot post right now.
It’s a federal holiday. We should all be OFF.
“One large black coffee, please.”
I went to a concert yesterday at an art gallery.
“THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING.”
Babies born between 2011-2025 are going to be called Generation Alpha.
I have 2 major faults.
Say “hi” back, or I’m going to get angry.
Today, I was staring at a guy’s neck for probably 2 full minutes.
Boo! Until next time, Michael J. Erickson, CEO & Co-Founder
October 30th is basically the poor man’s Halloween.
Handwritten letters. Oh boy.
The world is really a tiny place.
I’m so curious whether people enjoy my hugs.
If tinfoil was just slightly thicker, we could reuse it.
Fine—I can scowl, too.
Boiling coffee directly on my skin for 2 full seconds.
Don’t lie—I know you recognize me.
There are cameras all over the place in public.
SHAME.
Isn’t that rather presumptuous?
How the hell does wireless technology work?
We need alternatives to the lock and key concept.
A chunk of what I write in The Daily Clot is facetious.
We’re really lucky we have gravity.
Cross at the light, you selfish shmuck.
I accidentally sprayed cologne directly in my mouth today.
I hope I don’t complain on here too much.
I breathed in heavily. Here we go.
I just discovered something fascinating about my body.
Taco Bell has coffee now, apparently.
I think she got whiplash, if I’m being totally honest.
I may growl, but I don’t bite.
Are all elementary school teachers, like, apple fetishists?
I don’t think that people who make jokes during or about serious things are being insensitive.
Just a thought…
Why can’t women wear the same dresses over and over again?
This would eliminate the need to snitch on anyone.
Boy, were they wrong…
In most countries, men of this height are considered “legal midgets.”
Baby strollers now have a duel purpose!
I’m currently staring at a 5 year old in a trench coat.
I made the fatal mistake of leaving the house with broken headphones today.
Why is it called the “bathroom?”
The name “Billie Eilish” sounds awfully similar to “Bloody Clottish,” no?
I’ve searched every major fragrance database for these scent qualities exactly.
Follow the rules, dingus.
It’s rush-hour, bi*ch. Get a car, or ride on the sidewalk.
I wish it was socially acceptable to just stop talking to someone mid-conversation.
There needs to be justice for those pedestrians that deliberately walk slowly across the street after you wave them on.
In my case, they had to first shave the baby.
I have a new trick that I’ve been performing to impress women.
Do we really need to distinguish between alligators and crocodiles?
I finally had to switch train cars.
Bloodclot Films is like Voldemort.
Today, there was a tool on the subway. Not a literal tool, but rather a person who was acting like…
If we could perfect the practice of eugenics, we could actually eliminate the age minimum for US Presidential candidates.
Illuminated “exit” signs ruin the movie theatre experience.
“Relationships.” Now there’s a tricky word.
Think really hard about what you’re doing and how many people you’re inconveniencing.
I forgot my pen at home today, a fact that I realized after I was already resting quietly on the…
Yeah, and what’s going on with clouds?
I just watched a woman actively seek to destroy the planet.
I guess today is as good a day as any to make a huge announcement.
Back in cavemen (and cavewomen and cavebaby) times, our ancestors too were afraid of the unknown.
Do you realize how much responsibility falls on me, being THE BEST driver I know?
Part of me wanted to say “I’ll stay” just to escalate the situation until she could finally gauge the absurdity of her question.
I’m like a giant snowplow, and you’re all just a bunch of grains of snow.
Thousands of hours of primo Sean Connery content at the touch of a finger? I must be dreaming.
My shoe has a hole in it.
I like my ice-cream in an edible receptacle. A sugar cone. A Belgium waffle cone.
However, there is a huge bright side to the 2008 financial crisis that no one seems to talk about.
Had I only played 19 minutes of Angry Birds, I’d currently be “just jogging” to the train.
I’m just crapping on the school’s MASCOT, which you can’t be offended by because, all jokes aside, it’s a BAD mascot.
I always listen to ancient tribal music whenever I shave, for this reason.
You’re allowed to smile, you know.
If you have to have a physical container on top of your head to keep all your hair together, maybe you need to lose some of your hair.
I called an elderly woman a “wench” today.
Well, I just commuted unnecessarily for 3 hours because I didn’t double-check a calendar.
When did we decide that the middle finger was an inflammatory gesture?
I think public urination should be totally legal.
Why don’t they have professional wiffleball?
You know, when babies are born, all the fingernails and toenails that they will ever grow have already been created by their tiny bodies and stored in their hands and feet.
You know, mini golf isn’t golf for “little people.”
This is a polite way of saying that we’re all actually ALLOWED to make fun of them.
What horrifies me is the idea that, though I personally don’t possess the power of telepathy, those around me very well may.
I think cheap people are my least favorite group of people.
“You can’t keep skating through life.”
They’re delicious, and I’m going to continue eating them on the regular, but it’s pretty messed up when you think about it.
The world only needs ONE font.
Why are the symbols “back-slash” and “forward-slash” called “back-slash” and “forward-slash?”
There are hundreds of ideas in my notebook, and I’ve milked them all as much as I possibly can.
I got into quite a heated argument with a homeless man in Penn Station today.
I’m almost done with a tremendous project for Bloodclot Films—one that has been ruining my life this entire summer.
My hands are basically 2 giant calluses, preventing me from feeling hot or cold, or any pain, such as scratches or papercuts.
Yesterday, I mentioned some of the benefits of having a planetary CEO.
Why does someone in New York speak differently then someone 300 miles south of New York?
If US Marines are members of “The Few and The Proud,” I suppose I’m part of “The Many and the Shameful.”
Capitalism— the mode of production based on private ownership of the means of production.
Fidget spinners are for nerds. Fidget fountain pens are for high-level executives.
Pretty much this means the summer is over too, so make sure you start setting up lunch plans with your friends now that the kids are back to school.
While waiting, we observed (quite possibly) the most inexplicable thing either one of us had ever seen.
Today, I was on a boat around Donegal Bay (dope time, highly recommend).
If you’ve ever seen the cinematic disasters known as the “Harry Potter” films, you’ll have heard of “Wizards’ Chess.”
Hopefully this doesn’t offend anyone, but either way, I really don’t care.
Airplane legroom is a joke.
As our devotees may be well aware, The Daily Clot was initially one long, novel-length page rather than a series of separate pages for each post.
We’d be so much better off if Bloodclot Films created a new English language and called it “Clottish.”
The Daily Clot is, in its very nature, essentially a manifestation of the passage of time and the development of the human mind.
“Speak of the Devil.”
So, there’s 2 Chinas.
Why do all these Russian authors make it so clear that their characters must have middle names?
Let’s consider the pros and the cons if we were to just straight up freeze all the water on the planet.
Now, Aron Ralston has a massive, fleshy sack of fat dangling where his muscular arm once was.
I don’t know how I haven’t mentioned this yet, but my New Year’s Resolution for 2019 has been to write only with my left hand.
I stopped blinking.
If I’ve ever had more than a 30 second conversation with you, I know (on average) how often you blink.
Turns out, Little Ukraine is just a bunch of hipsters eating pierogis and borscht.
I’m a pretty manipulative person, which is a huge plus, because I LOVE manipulating people.
The Daily Clot is currently undergoing “Extreme Makeover: Clot Edition.”
This coffee might, with no exaggeration whatsoever, be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.
A live bird was hatching from his shell right in the palm of my hand—what should I do?
Do you realize how many repulsive people are out there?
The months were named very deliberately before Caesar sauntered onto the scene, like the lumbering oaf he was.
As a species, we ARE planning on becoming inter-planetary, so we might as well be prepared.
Occasionally, I like to introduce myself to people using one of my aliases— typically something Russian.
I never have a shortage of ideas.
What if we gave babies dentures?
Then, that turkey is able to lay eggs, which are hidden around the White House on Easter for children to enjoy an Easter-egg hunt.
So, he slaughtered another chicken, put a little fire on it, and ate it.
This next post is intended only for those with hardened hearts who are willing to accept some rather dark truths.
Mohawks are basically like shark fins for humans.
Why haven’t we added propellers to cars yet?
A belt holds up your pants.
With all this good luck, I must be dead.
One word that I love but never think to actually use is “crapshoot.”
By this logic, however innocent it may seem, putting an animal out of its misery with a shovel would be considered “art.”
(This Daily Clot post is intended only for mature audiences. Enjoy!)
All Erickson children are trained, from a very young age, to drive in REVERSE.
I hate updating my technology.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been SERIOUSLY under-utilizing the honking-function.
Why do I keep running into all these perverted middle-aged women?
I spent the last 3 nights in the hospital, though not for myself (score!).
Chernobyl is basically a “free-play” area that we’re severely under-utilizing.
I expected the process of my own gradual aging to be coupled with an “equally-gradual” concern for my own self-preservation, but frankly, the reality is quite a leap from my initial assumption.
Let me start by saying this: rhinos are endangered, a fact that I’m very thankful for.
I know there’s dairy in it, so it was once milk, right? Then what happens?
At noon today, we will hit the middle minute, of the middle day, of the middle month of the year.
Analyze your own behavior and ponder to yourself how to improve.
Bananas are weird.
You can’t have it both ways.
And that, right there, is exactly why capitalism is directly to blame for my keys’ weighing my pockets down.
I guess I just didn’t remember that my outfit choice falls under the umbrella of your responsibility.
Hopefully, it’s not cancerous, but I guess we’ll never know (unless I suddenly get really sick).
I wish people were funnier.
Everything north of the Bronx is bizarre. I don’t even WANT to know what happens up there.
Quercus Suber.
Here comes another bathroom rant (two days in a row—what up!).
Here we go, back to my bathroom rants again.
In a sense, Amazon is murdering its most beautiful child as a sacrifice to the all-knowing “cloud.”
I want my license plate to summon tears to the eyes of a very specific group of people.
Once you finish June, July happens.
I’m only buying gum in bulk from now on.
There’s too many “Uncle Mikes” out there.
Just a quick clot.
If I could outsource my duties at The Daily Clot to a third-world country for cheap, I would definitely consider it.
Côte d’Ivoire, I think we can all agree, reconciled Ireland’s MASSIVE error by rearranging the order of the colors of the flag
I just realized that I’ve written about my legacy on The Daily Clot on at least two separate occasions.
I ran out of gum yesterday.
That’s right—we’re lying to you.
Panera’s delivery car is a BMW.
I find social staircase dynamics so fascinating.
You know, you can try as much as you’d like to, but you CANNOT hit a Tesla.
Free verse poetry is just prose for borderline-illiterates and lazy people.
Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I’ll be half-awake, and I’ll instinctually think of some funny twist on my nightmare.
Most people in the country who end up going to college don’t go to college in Brooklyn, but those who do (the few and the not-really-so-proud-but-not-really-ashamed-either) gain some valuable street smarts.
Almond soap smells way too good to be inedible.
Today, I watched a grown man have a conversation with a garbage can.
You know, he once ate a hamburger from Burger King on film, and that’s being played on repeat at the Whitney Museum right now.
For those who are going to get on my case about kicking innocent animals—hold off; keep reading.
I hate to insult you, but you’re being ridiculous and stupid, and I hate you.
As a species, we should’ve figured out a way to manipulate our own bodies through concentration by now.
61% of the world population wears glasses right now, which means at least 61% of the characters in these shows have undiagnosed sight-issues.
There’s a certain bond amongst the members of the ginger community that cannot be replicated by people of any other natural hair color.
Perhaps this sounds indicative of a sociopath, but I think it’s a rather normal pet-peeve that people have.
“No, seriously. I insist. You go ahead.”
Hot coffee is a seriously undervalued self-defense weapon.
“Trash” and “shart” are spelled with the same letters.
Does Mexico have an American holiday that they all celebrate?
Today, I decided to pressure-wash my parents’ patio, because I’m an angel, and any family would be lucky to have me as their son.
I decided a few weeks ago that, whenever I accidentally happen to lock eyes with a stranger, I’ll never be the first one to look away.
As I write this, I’m realizing that I have no way to pivot this stream of consciousness into something funnier and more lighthearted.
My idea is this: invent a device that temporarily induces total medullary shutdown, essentially the act of being brain-dead.
What did I learn from this awful experience? Never sit down.
I definitely don’t want people visiting my grave, though. Cemetery trips are crap.
Art can be pretty crappy.
I’m not going to shoulder-check a 5-year old, because I’m not a shmuck.
Now, ask that same 10-year old what a 401k plan is.
I’ve been traveling for the past week like a wild man, and my bungling intern has not taken any initiative to cover for me, so there’s that, too.
Now, I feel like I’m playing the lottery every time I pour myself a cup of coffee, like a shmuck.
I laugh, but there’s a small part of me that’s slightly disappointed.
We live stream (volunteer) gladiator fights, directly to your Apple/Android device in 4K with absolutely no lag in quality.
Happy Easter/Passover!
Maybe Philly is just a short city, but I was, without a doubt, a giant among men.
What you need to do is CHARGE at the bear and try to bite him.
I wonder if people who know me would include “angry” if they needed to use 5 words to describe me.
I think that, of all the professions, even the illegal ones, I have the least respect for veterinarians.
I hope all of you are ready to hear some of the unsung difficulties of masculinity, because they’re coming in hot.
I wonder if kids on career day ever write, “when I grow up, I want to be a cadaver…”
I’m not trying to compare the difficulties of hearing loss to those of paraplegia, but the analogy worked too perfectly to not use.
“Hey, man. I know we don’t know each other, but I haven’t hugged someone taller than me in 3 years. Do me this solid?”
I had about 5 people texting me nonstop, my inbox was flooding with urgent emails that needed immediate responses, I was getting a call every 30 seconds or so, and on top of all of this, I had 2 major tasks that had to be done for the following morning.
Lies just camouflage the awesomeness of the truth. The truth is almost always cooler than lies.
I feel like half of The Daily Clot posts lately have been bathroom related, but so much sh*t goes on in the bathroom ( no pun intended), so I feel obligated to write about it.
I definitely am one of the safest drivers I know, but I am also very passive aggressive (note my linguistic precision—not “aggressive,” but “passive aggressive”).
I’m not sure why I keep choosing to play frisbee in jeans, and I’m also not sure why the crotch keeps busting out of my jeans during frisbee, but these kinds of questions have no real bearing on my day-to-day, so why bother asking them?
Don’t ask me what’s new in my life when you have your fingers in my mouth.
Due to his ineptitude in terms of The Daily Clot (speaking of which, HE was the one who decided to make it “daily,” and he was still unable to keep up), I am officially demoting him from “Co-Founder & COO” to “Co-Founder & Part-Time Intern.”
Holding my breath the entire time to avoid sniffing unwanted/contaminated air, I finished up at the urinal quickly and proceeded to wash my hands, as I always do, with soap and water.
Think about it! What if a billionaire paid everybody in the subway $1 million to kill me? You don’t think one of them would take that deal? Of course, at LEAST one of them would take that deal, but probably most of them would take that deal, and then they’d gang up on me until my heart stops.
I’d even go so far as to say that hell might solely be comprised of unappreciative people, specifically those who don’t say “thank you” after the door-hold thing.
Train etiquette is an issue that I think the world needs to formally acknowledge. We need to pump train etiquette out into the world, ironically, the same way one would pump diesel into the trains themselves.
I swear, half the time I go into a public restroom, I regret having gone in.
That’s all I got for you today. Stephen was supposed to have something for you, but he “forgot” to write it, so now I’m writing this on Tuesday and backdating it to Sunday. Freaking Stephen.
I’d be at the library from opening until closing every single day, surviving off nothing but water and peanut butter sandwiches.
I disagree with Aunt May completely.
Here’s my only concern: I’m not sure the world is ready to sit down and breathe in Bloodclot Films’ live show. You see, the energy that we produce as a duo is truly heart-stopping.
Look, it’s not that I’m snubbing you. It’s just that… if I was HOPING to run into you, I would’ve called you and planned something prior to going wherever I am. Since you haven’t received a call, I truly don’t want to see you, whoever you may be.
Why don’t more people carry pocket notebooks? I don’t understand what your resistance is. Seriously, get your act together, bozo.
They told me before they left that somebody had to stay back and manage Bloodclot Films while they’re gone, which makes sense I suppose. A car cannot operate without a steady hand behind the wheel.
You wouldn’t spend money wastefully if you weren’t sure that you had the funds to cover such lavish spending. Similarly, you shouldn’t waste your own time doing things you don’t want to do.
It’s like, I want to have a bunch of options, but I also thrive off the ability to reject those options.
As she exited Panera Bread behind her girlfriend, she held the door open. Sounds nice, right? No. This was more than just nice. ‘Why?’ you might ask. Nobody was behind her.
You want to lose a good friend? Look him in the eye and say, “if you die tonight, nothing will be different tomorrow.” That’s all it takes.
Arms crossed, I stare deep into his soul, head tilted slightly at a downward angle, allowing me to look at him from above my glasses frame. I raise both my eyebrows slowly.
If I fail to max out on any given week, I’ll have no choice but to self-punish in a way that I deem appropriate, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
This time, I made a sweeping declaration that I would fly a hot air balloon from Brooklyn all the way to Panama. How I was planning on steering is beyond my comprehension. And, if that weren’t enough of a twist as it is, I wouldn’t be in a basket, but in a ski-lift.
Today, I was on the 2 train and, by God, I’ve only ever smelled anything worse twice in my life.
I was one of about 4 people that boarded the train at its origin station, so somebody else who boarded after us SHOULD have felt obligated to offer his seat before I did, but nobody was taking the initiative, so I intervened.
I mean, how often do you see two dudes wielding a sword outside your favorite coffee joint in the middle of the night? Probably not often, unless you live in some weird time warp where Dunkin’ Donuts exists in medieval times.
When you fill up a fountain pen on the 2/5 train, or in Panera, everybody around you is too baffled to comprehend exactly what they’re witnessing, so rather than feeling any strong emotion towards you, such as envy/jealousy/hatred, their preoccupation with processing the strangeness of what you’re doing prevents them from attacking you.
I’ve been doing this thing lately where I assign every letter of the alphabet a corresponding number (A=1, B=2, C=3, etc.) in terms of its respective order.
Our dreams can conjure PEOPLE, both real and imagined. Do you realize how insane that is?
Those who may have steered clear of me otherwise, intimidated by my “no-nonsense” strut, would have instantly sensed my vulnerability. Such an embrace would leave me wide-open to attack.
I don’t like chess. I don’t have to be good at chess just because somebody else thinks I have the potential to be a World Champion. Of course, I could be. But I don’t WANT TO BE. Back off.
You never yell “somebody call 911” because everybody always assumes somebody else will be the one to call. This is because everyone is a sheep. EVERYBODY’S A SHEEP. EVERYBODY.
This past year, I remembered it was my birthday 3 days AFTER my birthday. I thought to myself, “oh, man. My birthday was on Tuesday. Oh, well. There’s always next year, I guess.”
There are 456,976 possible 4-letter combinations in the English language. Why are we doubling down on meanings? We shouldn’t have any homonyms.
I must say, I’ve been crushing the anagram-game lately (I’m the only participant, though).
Last night, I had a “dream” where I was tortured for 6 hours. They never killed me in my nightmare, so it never made me actually wake up. I just kept getting tortured.
This is going really off the rails. You’re a moron. Watch me swim across the Long Island Sound. Just watch me, trash-bag.
I go out of my way to make myself look very unapproachable, but people still try to stop me and ask me questions. If I was in their shoes, I’d be terrified of myself. I’m built like a hockey goalie (with all that equipment on).
A herd with no leader amounts to nothing more than a flock of inept pigeons. Rather than flying south for the winter, they all fly sporadically in conflicting directions, eventually freezing to death because nobody took charge.
Aside from reproducing every Spring, the moose doesn’t do a damn thing. He doesn’t bring anything to the table in terms of friendships. He’s not funny. He’s not smart. He’s not athletic. He’s DEFINITELY not ambitious in the slightest. He has nothing to live for.
Napping and cooing quietly, my infant-self was cradled in my own arms.
Only 1 person on this planet has the gift (or maybe “curse”) of seeing past my shell and into my steaming hot and creamy center. That gifted individual is none other than Stephen (Beaven Bloodclot) Erickson.
I leapt over the ungodly puddle and up into the air, sailing across 7th Avenue a full 3 feet off the ground at a cruising speed of 6 mph. Only the cars on the road traveled faster than me. I was unstoppable.
This self-imposed rigidity has added so much stress to my daily life. A month ago, I was in the shower, and I went blind for 10 full minutes. I had to sit down in the shower because my vision had completely vanished. Then last week, on the subway, I went completely deaf for 7 full minutes. I couldn’t hear a thing.
I’ve only succeeded in a fraction of the things I’ve set out to do in life. Failure is a thing I’ve grown far more familiar with. I’ve grown to embrace the very essence of failure.
When people don’t drive when the light turns green, there’s a part of me, deep down, that hopes they get t-boned by an 18-wheeler running the red light. This part of me is way, way down there—but it’s undeniably present.
I yelled at 6 people on the phone this week. I cannot stress the “yelling” aspect of this sentence any more than I am right now. I yelled at 6 people on the phone, and it felt fantastic, because they all deserved it.
I will be attaching a sharpened double-edged carbon fiber spear to my back for the duration of the swim marathon. I will also have written 30 letters, death letters, prior to the swim. In the event of my death, these 30 letters will be distributed to the 30 people I care about most in this world
“When” is a superpower that only humans are capable of possessing and using, and we do so regularly, always taking advantage of it without truly appreciating its extraordinary ability.
I always carry around a little notebook with me. In this notebook, I write funny ideas I have, jokes I come up with, math problems that I pose to myself, anagrams in progress, etc. Over the last 4 months, I may have been using this notebook for something more sinister.
The second you break stride or make eye contact with anyone, the jig is up. People who know where they’re going don’t stop to gain approval from strangers; they go where they want and tell everybody else to shove it.
The board would be in uproar at the fact that my 2-year old nephew would be the majority shareholder and acting CEO, but they’d have no choice. Retaining the majority of the board seats myself, I always have a team of proxies on standby to vote through my legacy in the event of my untimely passing.
Because she was preoccupied by the screaming toddler in her arms and the 5-year old who attempted an escape towards the funnel cake stand, I reached into the stroller with absolutely no hesitation, and I stole a single French fry.
What scares me most is the fact that there wasn’t a shred of doubt behind those unblinking eyes of his. He stared at me with pity! Oh, my poor, forgetful brother. Poor old Steve—can’t write a post on time, can’t design for jack squat either. Sad.
Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, which basically means another year of having everybody else’s relationships shoved down our throats.
The MJE 4 Week Rule (not the stock market strategy developed by American-Armenian Trader Richard Donchian, though that’s pretty helpful too) is a philosophy that I’ve created years ago and follow to this day.
When I’m focused on something, I can take a bullet to the chest and still not flinch. I cannot afford to give anybody (except my Co-Founder, Steve) 100% of my attention for the sole reason that nobody else can handle 100% of my attention. You have not seen “laser-focused” until you’ve seen me at work.
A pigeon touching the third rail is equivalent to surgically putting a lit stick of dynamite in your heart. What happens when you put a stick of dynamite in your heart? You die.
To all fellow human beings– rest easy knowing that none of your actions can have any profound impact on the world because of your inherent motivations.
If there’s one item that the media won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, it’s alien abduction reaction plans. While Bloodclot Films’ top priorities will always be content and pleasing our audience, we have a duty to address daily concerns, specifically potential alien life forms.
Personally, I believe emotions are our Achilles’ heel as a species. Thinking in an emotionless manner allows for the most logical decisions to be made. However, without emotions, we lack empathy. It’s really a trade-off.
For those of you who don’t follow Bloodclot Films’ latest news, you may not know this, but our office is currently inhabited by multiple incubi. Incubi (plural- “incubus”) are not entities that you’d like to find anywhere you interact with, especially if you plan on regularly spending absurd amounts of time there.
Living in New York, the subway has become part of the routine for us. Unfortunately, riding the subway invariably results in skyrocketing levels of discomfort, and last night was no exception.
Pens? What the hell are these guys talking about? They can’t really write an entire blog post about a writing tool, can they?